the screenplay
the much appreciated judge's comments below pertain to the first draft
https://tablereadmyscreenplay.com/winners-london/
1. London Winners - Table Read My Screenplay
tablereadmyscreenplay.com/winners-london
"There's such a cool, passionate force to this story."
"This is the type of small indie that – when cast and marketed correctly – gets all those accolades that tip people toward great things."
"The characters are also meaty enough to attract heavy hitters to play them and it would be relatively inexpensive to make, baring a couple cameos that might be easy or difficult to arrange."
"I also think that people would go gaga over this type of unhygienic, imperfect romance."
"I think getting a little glimpse of the atmosphere and characters here will help sell this great wackiness."
JUDGE'S COMMENTS
Title: Red Car
Genre: Drama
Writer: Justin Swingle
Well, this is one wild ride of a romance…and I kind of love it. It's super short, almost feels more part musical-part play, even though there isn't any music.
I could absolutely 100 percent see Bill Nighy as Ryan and Joel Kinnaman as Liam. There's such a cool, passionate force to this story. It's twisted and fast and frenetic and difficult to follow but not once during the entire time that I read it did I not believe they were actually in love and that they were perfect for each other. That's pretty special, especially with the crazy circumstances presented here.
The writer describes this as the edgy, gritty version of Notting Hill, and it kind of is with a world-renowned rock star who sort of gets taken with his crazy vagrant stalker who's known around Notting Hill for eating squirrels and having an abusive mother and who feels so comfortable with Ryan from the start that even while they're fighting and deciding how they feel about each other there's an electricity there, and sense of purpose and style. This is the type of small indie that – when cast and marketed correctly – gets all those accolades that tip people toward great things.
The cool thing about this story as well is that it's presented very minimally here in terms of description. It feels like the perfect blank canvas for a director to swoop in and really make it their own. The characters are also meaty enough to attract heavy hitters to play them and it would be relatively inexpensive to make, baring a couple cameos that might be easy or difficult to arrange.
I definitely think, too, that more could be added at a director's discretion. The plot itself is relatively thin, relying far more on character to hold our attention, which it does. I don't necessarily think additional stuff is called for, though. We all dream of meeting our soul mate but we never expect our soul mate to be so fricken difficult to deal with. That's what this story is. It's trying to deal with fate, two characters that need something…who find it in each other…and who struggle to come to terms with it, to move past the awkward transitional period into something that works.
The one thing that could be added is a slightly more developed introductory scene for Ryan, the rock star. We sort of jump right into Liam stalking him without really getting a sense of what is missing in Ryan's life that would draw him to someone like Liam. Sure, we get some passing acknowledgment that Ryan's life has become sort of hermetic and sterile, everything provided for him, everyone trying to kiss his ass, but I think the writer could beef up the beginning a little bit by showing us what Ryan's really up against in this world. Give him a reason to want to be with Liam, so that the audience can feel a compelling mixture of emotions through – both feeling like he needs Liam but also acknowledging that Liam's about as sane as someone constantly medicated with LSD. I think this is important because this is really a story about two characters. Liam gets a fully rounded arc, arriving at the end of this piece with a slightly tighter grip on reality. What does Ryan get? I think he gets someone who challenges him and who actually cares about him. However, because Liam is a crazy stalker, to facilitate the audience's desire to see Ryan paired with Liam in the end and not just go, "whoa, he chose crazy?!?!" it could help to add a small scene or a couple of scenes at the beginning where we get a glimpse of Ryan's ennui.
I think this would be a fascinating story to hear read live. Also, I would love to see this made, and I would encourage the writer if he can to consider making a short of this to use as a selling tool. I think getting a little glimpse of the atmosphere and characters here will help sell this great wackiness. I also think that people would go gaga over this type of unhygienic, imperfect romance. Sort of like Blue Ruin but with gay men and a happy ending.
red car
opening sequences
EXT. STREET IN KENSINGTON, LONDON - NIGHT
LIAM EPSTEIN, 40'S wanders down the street in this posh district.
His chopped off hair looks as if he took a machete to it. Days of beard, and tattoos abound.
He passes two uniformed LIVERY DRIVERS in uniform chatting adjacent from their curbside black Rolls-Royce.
He pauses in front of one of the Rolls, and mumbles to himself.
LIAM
Yeah, all rich folks like spit and polish.
He spits on the car unnoticed by the drivers and then climbs up on the hood where he pulls out his willy and urinates on the Spirit-of-Ecstasy hood ornament.
The Drivers notice.
DRIVER 1
Hey! What the fuck do you
think you're doing?
LIAM
You're asking me what I'm doing?
You have no fucking idea what you're doing!
Liam settles in on the hood of the Rolls. He couldn't be more comfortable than if he were laying on a sofa.
DRIVER 2
(to other Driver)
Fucking lunatic!
DRIVER 1
Hey, get the fuck off my car!
Liam stretches as if he just awakened from a nap. He's not motivated to climb down. He gives the Driver the middle.
LIAM
But like, how do I know if
this piece of shit is yours?
That's the existential
question of the day.
DRIVER 2
Huh? What'd he say???
DRIVER 1
He says he wants to
take us both on!
The drivers grab Liam off the car and pull him to the ground.
They're about to kick the shit out of him when a cop cruises up slowly.
Cop out the window:
COP
You blokes keeping that thing polished
up with his head? Tell me you're
not just beating up our best
Kensington Gardens' misfit?
DRIVER 1
What? No, Sir. We ain't doin'
nothin' to nobody. You know us!
Liam crawls up off the ground.
LIAM
(to cop)
Your turn. What's the existential
question of the day?
You ain't gonna get any
help from these
two walkin' morons!
COP
Question, hey? Like does Liam Epstein eat
squirrels in the park like they all say?
LIAM
Go ask the squirrels!
The cop waves his finger at the two drivers to behave and slowly drives off.
LIAM
(to Drivers)
Give me the keys. Got to go
places - get out of my head.
Liam extends his palm for the car keys.
DRIVER 2
(growls)
Get the fuck out of here!
Liam hauls off laughing his head off.
MINUTES LATER
Stumbling along Liam holds his temples.
LIAM
...Got to get out of my head.
He smashes the side of his head with his fist
CUT TO:
INT. TOWNHOUSE - NIGHT
A posh Belgravia, London townhouse dressing room.
Retired rock star RYAN JONES, 40's dresses elegantly for an engagement.
He reaches from a tray of fragrance bottles and sniffs the lids.
He reaches from a tray of invites and picks one up.
CLOSE UP:
An invitation with the royal insignia on the back.
With indifference, he tosses the invitation back on the pile, applies fragrance and exits.
EXT. TOWNHOUSE - NIGHT
Ryan Jones exits and heads down the steps to a waiting RED BENTLEY.
Driver, VLADIMIR, a big Russian, opens the car door.
Ryan glides into the rear seat.
Door is closed. Off they go.
TRAVELING CAR
Ryan slumps in the sea. He gazes out the window looking furtive.
EXT. EAST LONDON FLAT
The Bentley reaches its destination, and the roller coaster is about to begin...